assisonfire

I bought an artificial Christmas tree at a DIY store yesterday. The shop assistant asked me "Are you going to put it up yourself?", I replied "No, it's for the living room".

COPS CRACK DOWN ON CLOCKS
Police forces across the country are advising the public to avoid recreational use of timepieces over the festive period.

The devices - commonly referred to as 'clocks' - are banned under the misuse of chronology act. Police are warning that anyone found in possession of any such device suspected to be used for measuring time will be arrested.

It is estimated that misuse of timepieces will increase 25% over the holiday season with that figure rising to 72% in the 15-25 age group. "Many people see it as a harmless convenience" said Detective Superintendent Wednesday Adams of the Metropolitan Police's Chron-Squad. "It doesn't start out heavy, many curious teenagers start out by making their own sundials, maybe passing around an old casio digital watch. But soon their need to know the time will become greater and greater and they will go to further and further lengths to get their kick. Before you know it you're checking the time your Rolex anywhere up to seventy times a day."

However the Government has come under fierce criticism recently for taking such a hard stance on misuse of timepieces. In October this year the Home Secretary Alan Jolson sacked a senior government advisor Doctor Dougal Doo, chairman of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Chronology (ACMC), over his claims that checking the time was no more dangerous than "reading the weather forecast". The sacking of a chronological advisor causes a furore in the scientific community who claimed the government was 'distorting' and 'devaluing' their research that suggested that in responsible doses from a reliable timepiece wasn't as dangerous as the Misuse of Chronology act suggests.

Nevertheless, abuse of clocks can result in a compulsive need to check the time several times a day and - in extreme cases - several times an hour. HM Customs and Excise report there was a 150% rise in seized timepieces that clockmakers attempted to smuggle into the country disguised as anything from barometers to clockwork mice. Last week 700 Swiss cuckoo-clocks with a street value of £80,000 were impounded and destroyed by Customs Officials under supervision of Dover Port Authority. In November police arrested Bernard Mason-Tymperley of Colchester on suspicion of possession of timepieces with intent to supply. Upon a police search of his property the Chron-Squad discovered over 100 wristwatches, 50 carriage clocks, 20 mantle clocks and two grandfather clocks hidden in the crawlspace of his loft. An Essex Police spokesperson said that this was a huge success for the team who had been working hard for an unknown amount of time to arrest this dealer.

Symptoms of a clock habit can include irritability, increased blood pressure, heightened anxiety, restlessness, sleep disruption and/or insomnia and the manifestation of a nervous tic and/or tock.

If you or a loved one is suffering from a clock habit; help is available. Call Timestoppers on 08100 247 365